Cheese Eaters United

ok, since its almost the New Year, I figure I should be considering Pseudo-Resolutions which are more like...a new Code of Conduct for myself. 1) NOT SO MUCH JUNK FOOD! omg. I love more than my fair share of sweet things and have no self control when it comes to them, so, no wonder I've gained 12 pounds in 4 months. Also, my afixtion for red meat must end. And eating out. I WILL be back to my pre-college, post-illness slim/slender self. Which brings me to my next point 2)NO GETTING SICK. It just sucks and usually I can control it with my mind. 3) EXERCISE. I want to be healthy, not skinny, and I've never exercised in my life and now I have a free state of the art gym within my grasp, its stupid not to take advantage. Im going to try and go at least 3 times a week for aerobic exercise. 4)NO DWELLING ON THE PAST! This will be impossible to do but I need to think I can forget anyways. 5) GET INVOLVED! There is so much to do and be a part of on campus and I need to find my nitch and do something for myself and the community. and Finally 6) NO REGRETS!!! about the past or anything I will do this upcoming year.

and all this is besides the obvious that school will come before any social activity so as to maintain my GPA because as I see it, Ive fucked up (academically)once by choosing FSU, I cant mess up double by letting myself be an average student.

So for the past couple days ive ACTUALLY been seriously considering getting a tattoo. I was thinking kind of behind my ear, something meaningful or badass. I have no idea why this urge has come over me, its kind of freaky actually... mainly cause I'm still considering it. But at the same rate I really do not trust myself enough to make a decision that would last for the rest of my life, seeing as I usually can't make up my mind where Im gunna eat lunch. ...Maybe on the top of my foot...

Maybe a cool trendy piercing would suffice... but I dont know what or where for that either though.

Help? Ideas?

so Thanksgiving was good... I guess. I never thought that going home would actually make me want to stay there. Everything felt so comfortable and normal. Not that things arent normal here and now in "T-ville" but, going home just felt like a welcome escape. There was good food and comfortable surroundings and comfortable people and comfortable memories. Here I walk a fine line. One misstep or accidental run-in and I could throw myself into a bad emotional place that I have to guard so carefully against at all time now. I think its this perpetual being on guard that is wearing me out emotionally. The weird thing about life right now is that all the sudden everything feels new and uncomfortable. Im thrown socially backwards again, right back to the chopping block and I dont quite fit yet. Weird. I miss my mommy. and my lovers. and my car. and my sanity.

School is really crazy right now like I cant even believe but the freaky part is I love that crazyness! I had a big research paper due last week and another one on Wednesday and I love writing them! I love researching them! I love thinking about them and planning and defending my arguements. At least this is a good sign. I may not be a good writer or thinker yet but Im more excited than ever to learn to be one. I realized that in ALL aspects of high school I never had to try. I didnt have to try in friendships and I REALLY didnt have to try in school work. I cant remember ever having to use my brain for an assignment, but now, everything I do requires the utmost thinking I have to offer (which isnt really enough but maybe one day it will get there). This gives me so much hope that I may have actually picked the right path for myself. I dont know what I would do if I couldnt stand writing or critical thinking. I would probably cry alot. Thats the thing about Art History. Its not about being able to recite the symbology of the Last Supper, its about being able to say that the guy who wrote about the symbology of the Last Supper may be wrong because...

At least I love school and thats why were in college.

Current Mood: alone

We paid and we cheered. Now we're gone and to us that feels right.
But for him every one of those evenings turns into a night.
With another hotel room where he lays awake to pretend
that he's doing fine with his notebook and discman for friends.

He says "Green is the color everyone sees al around me.
Gray is the color I see around her, and she's just a blur."
Night after night what I hear, what I write fills the room
and my head starts to sway. It might be for her,
but for now it's between green and gray.

I want you to love me, he whispers, unable to speak.
And he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak.
Then he awoke. Now he's scared to death somebody heard.
If it was you, and you know her, please don't say a word
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
yes reading your letters conviction did grow
i thought it a chance, i knew i must go
its hard to believe i could be so naive
sabra girl, flattered but deceived

now you just told me that friendship is all
im forced to repair the breach in my wall
illusions and dream as usual it seems
sabra girl, they have been my downfall

lonely the life, and dismal the view
closed is the road, that leads to you
since better cant be, as friends we'll agree
sabra girl, time will cure me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking home from work
Stop at the supermarket, condemement aisle
A jar of pickles catches the eye
Make eye contact with a solitary pickle
Bought the jar took it home

"never regret anything that made you smile."

this is alot harder than it seems I think, but I shall keep it in mind from now on.

I just dont understand what in life got me to this point? its so weird to me that I feel like I live my life going through trying to cause people zero amounts of pain and just trying to make everything ok with everyone, then have someone hate me so much for it... i did nothing wrong in a particular situation excpet care about someone and believe them when they said it was gunna be ok. but they lied. they always lie. The only problem I have right now is that you dont want to be my friend, esp after declaring what my friendship meant to you. It doesnt make sense to me how people go through life thinking they owe people something then holding it against them. When I am someones friend its not because i think i should be or i have an obligation to them, its because i genuinely want to have something to do with them. Life would be so much easier if people would just say exactly what they meant. Dont try to save someones feelings because in the end they just get hurt 1000 times worse for it. Im the kind of person that i wont even think of blaming someone else for whatever happens, so life is particularly hard right now. I cant help but think that if i wasnt such a horrid human i wouldnt quite be here, but then i think about it and i realize for once im not the one in the wrong. I didnt do anything to hurt anyone, i didnt say fake conciliatory things, i didnt launch a personal attack when a general matter was being discussed and i didnt end a friendship with the words "fuck you". All I did was believe that people could care about me. I guess all it comes down to is I am tired of having to understand other peoples point of view while no one considers mine.

Hmm I dont really know anymore, but I think Ive finally realized that Im compartmentalizing my life and for the first time ever Im being faced with HAVING to decompartmentalize and its just about the worst thing ever and its coming at the worst time too. I dont know how these things occur, but all the weird insecure sad horrible feelings I should have had way back THEN, im having now... and its compiling into a giant monster that I cant even face because the people I would go to are gone and worst of all, my person is the person and the catalyst for all of this! I cant help but feeling constantly like a shitty person all day every day because I pretty much have one friend here and im too much of a weirdo or w/e to maintain the friendly affections of those I surround myself with. I have one good friend, just one good friend. A single good friend who amazing, but whom I cant talk to or is biased in the opposite direction. Its such a weird feeling to be alone in a crowded room...

i am unhappy.




bam. i said it.



now i need to figure out what to do about it.

The year is supposed to get more fun as it goes on, but its really not! waaa I dont understand why either, but i guess its my fault so i should just take it and not wonder why im a horrible person. I cant wait till next year when i dont have to deal with the same people I see everyday who really piss me off (not all of them, esp not the close ones, and not everyday, but enough that Im ready to be done) ok, that was harsh, but ya know what i mean, new people make me happy and I need more of them. I need to get over my hang ups of late. That would also be remedied by new people and a colder climate. bah

Most of all, I want my family back. I want my mom back from w/e midlife hormonal shit shes going through that would posses her to tell me that I deserve to get the shit beat out of me and that I dont deserve to get into to any college. I want my dad back from his crazy pretentious "the only thing that is worth u spending ur time on is college" guilt trip crap, but mostly I want them back to myself. So what if its selfish, Im only gunna be at home for 8 more months and Id like to spend it without a gay bitch 4th wheel making me feel like Im not part of my own family. yay

Sorry... forgive me while i go jump off a bridge

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Black Roses Red

ok, so its merely 9 days until my birthday...start planning ur awesome gifts now!! ha so yeah...

hmm never in my entire life have i ever been as completely apathetic as I am now. Its rather interesting I think, cause Im totally the neurotic, slits their wrists because of a B kind of student, but lately all i can think when a teacher says to do something is "screw you im tired of this", which is obviously bad but very trusitic of my mindset. All I did today in school was sleep (i fell asleep in EVERY SINGLE PERIOD) and read Lysistrata and squak about how bad the translation is.  I literally paid virtually no attention to anything ever...except Mr Brook's non disguised liberal bias. Grrrrrrrr. Ok, so im not apathetic about that, but seriously when a teacher makes a face and discounts ur answer to an opinion poll because you think we shouldnt interfere in Iran (not me, no worries) or because we say Donald Rumsfeld should get to keep his job (so what, he was given a job and he needs to finish it) thats wayy totallllyyy wrong and it mucho grande P.Oed me ALOT


EEE I cant wait for Fast Food Nation to come out as a movie.  Im dragging everyone Ive ever met to see it because its everything I feel about life (and by life I mean food) in a movie...eeeeeeeeee