Cheese Eaters United

ok, since its almost the New Year, I figure I should be considering Pseudo-Resolutions which are more like...a new Code of Conduct for myself. 1) NOT SO MUCH JUNK FOOD! omg. I love more than my fair share of sweet things and have no self control when it comes to them, so, no wonder I've gained 12 pounds in 4 months. Also, my afixtion for red meat must end. And eating out. I WILL be back to my pre-college, post-illness slim/slender self. Which brings me to my next point 2)NO GETTING SICK. It just sucks and usually I can control it with my mind. 3) EXERCISE. I want to be healthy, not skinny, and I've never exercised in my life and now I have a free state of the art gym within my grasp, its stupid not to take advantage. Im going to try and go at least 3 times a week for aerobic exercise. 4)NO DWELLING ON THE PAST! This will be impossible to do but I need to think I can forget anyways. 5) GET INVOLVED! There is so much to do and be a part of on campus and I need to find my nitch and do something for myself and the community. and Finally 6) NO REGRETS!!! about the past or anything I will do this upcoming year.

and all this is besides the obvious that school will come before any social activity so as to maintain my GPA because as I see it, Ive fucked up (academically)once by choosing FSU, I cant mess up double by letting myself be an average student.

So for the past couple days ive ACTUALLY been seriously considering getting a tattoo. I was thinking kind of behind my ear, something meaningful or badass. I have no idea why this urge has come over me, its kind of freaky actually... mainly cause I'm still considering it. But at the same rate I really do not trust myself enough to make a decision that would last for the rest of my life, seeing as I usually can't make up my mind where Im gunna eat lunch. ...Maybe on the top of my foot...

Maybe a cool trendy piercing would suffice... but I dont know what or where for that either though.

Help? Ideas?

so Thanksgiving was good... I guess. I never thought that going home would actually make me want to stay there. Everything felt so comfortable and normal. Not that things arent normal here and now in "T-ville" but, going home just felt like a welcome escape. There was good food and comfortable surroundings and comfortable people and comfortable memories. Here I walk a fine line. One misstep or accidental run-in and I could throw myself into a bad emotional place that I have to guard so carefully against at all time now. I think its this perpetual being on guard that is wearing me out emotionally. The weird thing about life right now is that all the sudden everything feels new and uncomfortable. Im thrown socially backwards again, right back to the chopping block and I dont quite fit yet. Weird. I miss my mommy. and my lovers. and my car. and my sanity.

School is really crazy right now like I cant even believe but the freaky part is I love that crazyness! I had a big research paper due last week and another one on Wednesday and I love writing them! I love researching them! I love thinking about them and planning and defending my arguements. At least this is a good sign. I may not be a good writer or thinker yet but Im more excited than ever to learn to be one. I realized that in ALL aspects of high school I never had to try. I didnt have to try in friendships and I REALLY didnt have to try in school work. I cant remember ever having to use my brain for an assignment, but now, everything I do requires the utmost thinking I have to offer (which isnt really enough but maybe one day it will get there). This gives me so much hope that I may have actually picked the right path for myself. I dont know what I would do if I couldnt stand writing or critical thinking. I would probably cry alot. Thats the thing about Art History. Its not about being able to recite the symbology of the Last Supper, its about being able to say that the guy who wrote about the symbology of the Last Supper may be wrong because...

At least I love school and thats why were in college.

Current Mood: alone

We paid and we cheered. Now we're gone and to us that feels right.
But for him every one of those evenings turns into a night.
With another hotel room where he lays awake to pretend
that he's doing fine with his notebook and discman for friends.

He says "Green is the color everyone sees al around me.
Gray is the color I see around her, and she's just a blur."
Night after night what I hear, what I write fills the room
and my head starts to sway. It might be for her,
but for now it's between green and gray.

I want you to love me, he whispers, unable to speak.
And he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak.
Then he awoke. Now he's scared to death somebody heard.
If it was you, and you know her, please don't say a word
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
yes reading your letters conviction did grow
i thought it a chance, i knew i must go
its hard to believe i could be so naive
sabra girl, flattered but deceived

now you just told me that friendship is all
im forced to repair the breach in my wall
illusions and dream as usual it seems
sabra girl, they have been my downfall

lonely the life, and dismal the view
closed is the road, that leads to you
since better cant be, as friends we'll agree
sabra girl, time will cure me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking home from work
Stop at the supermarket, condemement aisle
A jar of pickles catches the eye
Make eye contact with a solitary pickle
Bought the jar took it home

"never regret anything that made you smile."

this is alot harder than it seems I think, but I shall keep it in mind from now on.

I just dont understand what in life got me to this point? its so weird to me that I feel like I live my life going through trying to cause people zero amounts of pain and just trying to make everything ok with everyone, then have someone hate me so much for it... i did nothing wrong in a particular situation excpet care about someone and believe them when they said it was gunna be ok. but they lied. they always lie. The only problem I have right now is that you dont want to be my friend, esp after declaring what my friendship meant to you. It doesnt make sense to me how people go through life thinking they owe people something then holding it against them. When I am someones friend its not because i think i should be or i have an obligation to them, its because i genuinely want to have something to do with them. Life would be so much easier if people would just say exactly what they meant. Dont try to save someones feelings because in the end they just get hurt 1000 times worse for it. Im the kind of person that i wont even think of blaming someone else for whatever happens, so life is particularly hard right now. I cant help but think that if i wasnt such a horrid human i wouldnt quite be here, but then i think about it and i realize for once im not the one in the wrong. I didnt do anything to hurt anyone, i didnt say fake conciliatory things, i didnt launch a personal attack when a general matter was being discussed and i didnt end a friendship with the words "fuck you". All I did was believe that people could care about me. I guess all it comes down to is I am tired of having to understand other peoples point of view while no one considers mine.

Hmm I dont really know anymore, but I think Ive finally realized that Im compartmentalizing my life and for the first time ever Im being faced with HAVING to decompartmentalize and its just about the worst thing ever and its coming at the worst time too. I dont know how these things occur, but all the weird insecure sad horrible feelings I should have had way back THEN, im having now... and its compiling into a giant monster that I cant even face because the people I would go to are gone and worst of all, my person is the person and the catalyst for all of this! I cant help but feeling constantly like a shitty person all day every day because I pretty much have one friend here and im too much of a weirdo or w/e to maintain the friendly affections of those I surround myself with. I have one good friend, just one good friend. A single good friend who amazing, but whom I cant talk to or is biased in the opposite direction. Its such a weird feeling to be alone in a crowded room...

i am unhappy.




bam. i said it.



now i need to figure out what to do about it.

The year is supposed to get more fun as it goes on, but its really not! waaa I dont understand why either, but i guess its my fault so i should just take it and not wonder why im a horrible person. I cant wait till next year when i dont have to deal with the same people I see everyday who really piss me off (not all of them, esp not the close ones, and not everyday, but enough that Im ready to be done) ok, that was harsh, but ya know what i mean, new people make me happy and I need more of them. I need to get over my hang ups of late. That would also be remedied by new people and a colder climate. bah

Most of all, I want my family back. I want my mom back from w/e midlife hormonal shit shes going through that would posses her to tell me that I deserve to get the shit beat out of me and that I dont deserve to get into to any college. I want my dad back from his crazy pretentious "the only thing that is worth u spending ur time on is college" guilt trip crap, but mostly I want them back to myself. So what if its selfish, Im only gunna be at home for 8 more months and Id like to spend it without a gay bitch 4th wheel making me feel like Im not part of my own family. yay

Sorry... forgive me while i go jump off a bridge

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Black Roses Red

ok, so its merely 9 days until my birthday...start planning ur awesome gifts now!! ha so yeah...

hmm never in my entire life have i ever been as completely apathetic as I am now. Its rather interesting I think, cause Im totally the neurotic, slits their wrists because of a B kind of student, but lately all i can think when a teacher says to do something is "screw you im tired of this", which is obviously bad but very trusitic of my mindset. All I did today in school was sleep (i fell asleep in EVERY SINGLE PERIOD) and read Lysistrata and squak about how bad the translation is.  I literally paid virtually no attention to anything ever...except Mr Brook's non disguised liberal bias. Grrrrrrrr. Ok, so im not apathetic about that, but seriously when a teacher makes a face and discounts ur answer to an opinion poll because you think we shouldnt interfere in Iran (not me, no worries) or because we say Donald Rumsfeld should get to keep his job (so what, he was given a job and he needs to finish it) thats wayy totallllyyy wrong and it mucho grande P.Oed me ALOT


EEE I cant wait for Fast Food Nation to come out as a movie.  Im dragging everyone Ive ever met to see it because its everything I feel about life (and by life I mean food) in a movie...eeeeeeeeee

so. today was the last day of the rest of my life. My grandma "moved in" though its not officially perminant, we all secretly know shes prolly not going home.  Great.  This week I'm pretty sure I opened some secret panel in my mind so that it is really easy to read and since then EVERYONE is stealing my thoughts or picking up on things I didnt know I was letting out.  Even my mom picked up on stuff.  Thats a miracle for her even if she did use the knowledge to make me feel worse about myself and situations than I already do. Triple yipee  Some people can be so horrible and masquarade as not horrible when really all theyre doing is sabotaging everything u ever didnt do.  I hate those people alot.  oy oy oyyyy  regardless though, My EE is done and over with and I can finally open Microsoft Word without feeling guilty about not fixing it and working with it.  Now on to HOA paper... this is why IB is a bitch.  This 4 day weekend is gunna be sooo kick booty.  I plan not to have anything to do with anyone I know and stay secluded away.  Maybe I'll read some Nicholas Sparks.  That'd be good

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: American Pie

ugh Why do I have to be soo incredibly me all the time? Trust me its not as much fun as it may seem.  Having a two second attention span and  spastic actions isnt all its cracked up to be, let me tell you... Someone brought up and interesting point today (besides the fact that if someone is an environmentalist, we automatically think of them as a weed smoking hippie)  She said she wished she could be in my head for 5 minutes.  Hmm this is an interesting proposition.  If that could happen (us switching heads) we could get alot more/better prospective on the world.  We could switch with someone who does something we dont do well well when we have to do it then switch back... nvm this is making as much or less sense than Bryan and Elis conversation about fighting themselves and knowing what they would do... good times.  I think the point of this is I wish I could have other peoples characteristics when need be.  maybe

Hmm I should just give up articulating things that come into my head, nvmmmmmm

I wish I had more friends ha yay

So, I'm a really horrible person.  Now more than ever I just want to melt into oblivion.  Its not like anyone would care anyway. ehhhhhhhhhhhhh











but I really like the Dixie Chicks song "Cowboy take me away" Its amazing to listen to in this nature starved prarie which we live

Current Music: Cowboy Take Me away

So, I think I'm prolly beating a dead horse on this one, but I LUV TENNIS! O man US Open this year is absolutely AMAZING!  Im not even minding stupid Roddick who actually figured out how to hold the raquet this year!  It was a tearful goodbye to Andre Agassi though as he lost in the 3rd round to a qualifier... Im my obviously soo professional opinion, the best match-up in tennis is Nicholas Kiefer vs Marat Safin.  The 2nd best is Nalbandian / Safin and thats totally what went down yesterday.  Marat Safin won the US Open 3 years ago and has since fallen off the face of the rating earth and isnt even in the top 100, but he ALWAYS upsets the top seeds he plays and thats totally what he did to Nalbandian.  I luv Nalbandian alot but its soo cool that Safin beat him!  Right now, Im not feelin too much the Federer/Nadal types and am goin more for the personalities and under dogs of the game, except when they do shirtless interviews of Nadal.  Now THAT was amazing...ha! (and a touch akward)  So on the screen comes Rafa half reclining in a crazy akward position on a beanbag without a shirt and just in boxers with his hands tucked behind his head in a sort of "welcome to the gun show" pose that obviously flexed his muscles. It was hilarious cause there he is completely ripped ( he has about an 84,000 pack) and nearly nude being interviewed and no one can ever understand what he's saying except for an occasional reference to a "tunamelt"  and "Fedelel"??? (which I can only hope is Rafa for tournament and Federer) and his face...hahaha! he was trying soo hard to be arnold swartzennegger (wow i can spell) but only expelling That 70's Show Fez vibes cause thats EXACTLY what he sounds like! it was cute...

so yeah, Steve Irwin died...what is the likelyhood of spending your entire life around crocodiles then getting randomly pierced through the heart by a giant sting ray?? Of all the place it could have hit him, what are the chances it would flippin pierce his heart! THats CRAZY!! It was sad though cause he was filming for a show that he is was doing with his 8 year old daughter! Thats really sad!


So, HOA kinda sucks booty tryin to remember all of this junk! It might help if I actually took Spanish but NOO.  OMG Plappert is having a freakin end of life crisis or something! He's grading everything we breathe on and if verbs and places in a article are higlighted in the same color... "OFF WITH YOUR GRADE!" and you die...Im gunna have a flippin 66 in that class even if I get a 100 on the test...damn

SheesamalooGrl88: when i become grand poohbah of the art world and am amazing ull not laugh then suckaaa
Angelbrat1989: lol
Angelbrat1989: then ill be bailing ur ass out of jail and defending u in court because u destoyed the mona lisa
SheesamalooGrl88: ha ha
SheesamalooGrl88: tis true
Angelbrat1989: eh
SheesamalooGrl88: and then andrew will conceptualize it in a composition, amanda will have to restore it and sullivan will campaign for stricter limits on historical preservers
Angelbrat1989: then sarah will translate it into spanish and tine will  make up an interpretive dance for it
Angelbrat1989: so thats us in 10 years

so, My previous idea prolly wont work, but one can only dream ....ahhhh.... 

so, life right now is flippin the best its ever been! Since school started I've been in a crazy euphoria that is making everything perfect.  Even things that would normally make me freak out and die arent bad!  I blame alot of this on being a senior, its a crazy feeling and has allowed me to ease up ALOT and shed some boundaries (and clothes hah) part of it is that I've decided to apply early descision to Vassar.  Its such a relief to make that choice and know its the right one forever and even if I dont get in (i prolly wont) I know I have made the right choice.  Another really big part of it is that I've been taking church really seriously and its helping me learn alot of lessons I've missed in the past and maybe that will help me actually be a decent person in the future, cause Lord knows Im not one now (no pun intended) OO our sermon this morning was "Ending a Story with a preposition" and it was amazing. Did you know that in the original untranslated Gospel of Mark, He writes the Easter story in 8 verses and ends it with "and they were afraid for " (which is a preposition and should leave one to fill in their own fears for life) ?

Lately I've been seeing entirely new sides of people and its amazing and only strengthening my (idek...stuff) of them which I'm ALMOST  wishing wouldnt happen cause its gunna make leaving all of this soo much harder next year which isnt what I want to deal with, but let me warn you now, everyone is getting a sappy letter before graduation.

Copeland wants the entire extended essay DONE for tomorrow, so yeah, Im funna die, but its ok cause Im euphoric!

Hmm so Im thinking HOA paper 

either....

1) Apartheid
2)Rwandan Genocide
~or~
3) Iatolla Kumani/Kadafi/Sharone

idk where to go with it though, seening asI havent even really solidified my Extended Essay and Im thinking about something way in the future..how typical



hmm I luv the Naples Phil...and I have an idea. I hope it works!

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Dixie Chicks crap

Everything has been happening for the last time lately...
1) Last Day of Summer Vacation ever!
2) Last Band Camp (though I cant say Im too upset about this)
3) Last First Day of School Ever!!! 

How Flippin Crazy is that! I'll Never again walk into a public school classroom for the first time and look around to see what friends are there and who I hate! O  M  G




So, I totally feel like Karen...Next thing I know, I'll be in everyones phone as Satan or Karen

everybody is an asshole....IN THE WORLD!!


I dont want other people thinkin for me!
I want Junior Mints!
I want people who care!
I'm mad as hell and
I DONT WANNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!

woo Jimmy Buffet is a cool dude




... yes today was a bad day

Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: Dirty Laundry

Im soooooooo  fat! OMG! All this eating out has made me lethargic and full of preservatives! We saw Vassar yesterday and Georgetown today, both of which sound amazing on paper and are so in fact.  But neither of them sent me vibes though Im getting retrospective vibes from Vassar, now I just have to work on getting a girlfriend.  Georgetown would be amazing for Sullivan, but not me.  Its too politically focused and not right for me but it isssssssssss amazing and the town (Georgetown AND the District) is the coolest I've ever been in. Everyone should look at it if you want to be poli sci/econ/businessily oriented! Its not even uuber religious!  Vassar, besides the town which was soooo bad and ghetto is really really good too! They have an amazing fieldstudy program and advising and even cooler architecture.  70% of dorms after Freshmen year are singles and they have their own museum!! Its soooooooooooooooooo amazing! But the more I thikn about it Middlebury is the choice for me.  So today was soo fun! We got up then got on a train in Quantico town then the Metro then bus! totally public transportation reliant! Plus this Columbian guy talked to me on the Metro for like an hour about World Cup AND Tennis (o O O OOOOO Our tour guide at Vassar, when asked if he watched the W.C final responded that he did and wanted France to win, but really thought the Federer v. Nadal match and tennis in general was more exciting! I luv him!)  ummmmmm other than that, tomorrow we are goin to the National Gallery of Art! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE its exciting and well be home Friday night!